At this point in my time spent overseas in Cambodia, I have reached an emotional impasse. I have seen some of the good and some of the bad. I have witnessed as horror stories unfolded and shared in the making of dreams come true. Despite any of the sadness, corruption, or impossibly complicated situations that I have come across, the only complication keeping me from spending my life here and loving the people and land with all that I have is simple presence of necessity.
Right now, I am surrounded by thousands of reasons to stay- the sheer beauty of the country… the smiles and laughter of faces that have each nudged their way into my heart and have forever found a place to rest in my memory.
The struggle comes only when I let myself think of possibility: the possibility of each of those faces and places becoming intangible and distant memories. Like the wires in the very first photo, I feel like my heartstrings have been twisted, pulled and tied down to this place. It is a chaotic mess that somehow still manages to give me energy and I love it; but amidst the happy chaos there is also stressful and painful chaos. Those wires and heartstrings are all tied up in this one place, but they are connected in other places. They have a beginning and the end is not yet in sight. Right now all I can focus on is the fact that I want to be here, but my heart and brain are tugging to those other connections- necessity.
There are things that I need and there are things that I need to follow until the end. My heart leads back to my family and I long to follow that line back to secure connections. I have no choice but follow other lines back with disdain. Although I know that their end is somewhere close, they still feel painfully distant.
Life is bittersweet here. I’ve learned to enjoy the presence of each jam that I find myself in, mostly because I know there will be someone else out there who is/has been in the same jam and is moving through it just like I am.
When you can’t see the end of the line, it becomes difficult to see past and move past the comfortable chaos that has entangled your heart… but somewhere out there in the blurry distance is a blue sky and a line that leads somewhere new and exciting- to new connections and new sources of energy and joy. Sometimes we just have to struggle through the chaos.